My paternal grandmother and I have never really gotten along. To me, she’s a very controlling person and just unpleasant to be around. Well, as a teenager, I’ve always struggled with controlling my negative emotions. Sometimes, I’d shut down and not want to speak to anyone for a certain amount of time, which may have been due to previous childhood trauma. Even therapy was starting to feel less effective and more of a routine venting session. My dad kept giving me the same advice when he noticed my annoyance, “Don’t let anyone change your spirit. You can’t rely on others when it comes to your emotions. Only you can decide to be happy.” I usually would feel like this saying was just a cop-out for treating people poorly. Prior to his response, I would always tell him things like “I’ll be happier when I go to college and not have to deal with my dysfunctional family. Everyone won’t treat me like this.” I never realized how naive that sounded until I really stopped looking at things personally and more objectively. My grandmother is still dealing with the loss of my grandfather even after sixteen years, and the reason why none of my cousins, aunts, or uncles, come over to visit anymore is because of how negatively she treaats people as a response. Looking at it this way, it’s possible that I’m not the reason for her behavior, simply just another incentive. My mother for example, can be the sweetest person in public when we’re around people. However, behind closed doors, she can be unpredictable. The tiniest thing can set her off. I soon realize, that similar to my maternal grandmother, her life is in disarray. It showed not only in her emotions but in tbe conditions where she left the house, even unintentionally. My maternal grandmother has always hoarded, unfortunately. My mom, as much as she would insist that she’s nothing like her mother, I can see certain similarities. My mom, unlike from what I’ve seen, claims to have witnessed my grandmother breaking down emotionally as a young child. Especially when it came down to things like house bills and past trauma. My mom has broken down in front of me as a toddler before. And being seventeen, I can recant doing it a few times. My therapist calls this generational trauma. The way I’ve dealt with my feelings of intense sadness and helplessness have stemmed from my mother, grandmother, maybe even my great-grandmother and further on. This month, April of 2023, I’ve realized things about my family that I never would have if I continued to look at things from a simple teenage perspective. Taking myself out of the equation helped me to realize just how cycles of behavior can be passed down to multiple generationals unknowingly. I’ve learned to not let it affect me. Seperating myself from it all has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced. Learning not to get upset whenever my mother starts insulting me over text because I won’t get into arguments with her about turning off my “Do Not Disturb” setting. Ridiculous, right? In fact, I’ve learned to laugh these things off. And it upsets her, but I do not care. Dysfunction tends to breed dysfunction. I will not give into that. It’s a risk I’ve taken, because this can affect my relationships with people, but it’s definitely a healthy risk. As for my paternal grandmother, we’re getting along a lot better now. And no, it’s not because she’s changed, because the likelihood of that ever happening is slim. However, I decided to control the how I react to her commands better. I do what she says, even if I think it’s silly. Like moving my contact solution from the bathroom back to my dresser. However, it’s better to just pick your battles. And it’s comforting to know that it really isn’t personal, that;s just who she is! This risk I’ve taken was scary, but it’s made me stronger.
My risk…
A Teen’s Mind 
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